Dear Whoever You Might Be,
Happy new year my love! 2012 has been a crazy, hard fought, wonderful year for me. I pray your new year's eve is filled with love, joy, laughter, and friendship. Be careful!
I pray that 2013 is filled with much joy and who knows maybe we will meet one another, if we already haven't. Praying for you daily!
Always,
Waiting Patiently
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
It's Sunday morning and I have just left the 9am service. However I am still at church. The kids are doing a fall festival type thingie during the 11am service.
I wished you were here with me this morning. Ive realized over the past few days I don't long for you as badly as I have been in the past. I'm trying to be okay with the fact that a)we may never meet or b)when we do it maybe after our kids have graduated from high school.
I still pray for you. The holidays maybe rough with missing you but I will get through. If anything I've learned over the past few months is that I can survive almost anything.
I love you and miss you terribly.
Always,
Waiting Patiently
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
I do miss you. My heart has been so heavy lately. I cant explain to you the hurt that I have been though lately. Somedays its just been so overwhelming. Thankfully my core group of friends, no not friends they are my family, have been there for me. They haven't seen the tears that I have shed lately but they know I have. Its been written on my face.
I wonder about you a lot through out my day. From thinking about how you are feeling, have you been sick lately? To thinking about your friendships, are they growing and deepening? To lastly wondering about what G-d is teaching you right now.
Sometimes I wonder if you have kids. Do you have a house full of rough and tumble boys, a mixture of boys and girls, or are you drowning in a sea of pink? No matter if you do or don’t have kids I already love them.
Someday we will get it right. Until then know that I am thinking about you.
I love you!
Always,
Waiting Patiently
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
Loneliness…man am I fighting that right now. I love my friends but in so many, many ways my life is so very different than theirs. My kids are older than theirs, I am older than them, I have been married and been through harder things than I think some of them even know about.
I put my wedding ring on my finger on Sunday. I cried. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I think I am realizing that I may never get married again or ever be pregnant again. The whole thought of that is hard. Like I am sitting here at work fighting back the tears hard.
People tell me “Oh your strength at being a single mom amazes me.”, “Man how do you do it?”, “How can I pray for you?” But you know what I haven’t heard from anyone is :”How can I HELP you this week?” or “Do you want me to take the kids to the park to go play so you can go run?” Asking how I do it or telling me how amazing I am is all well and good but seriously sometimes putting those words into action for a single Mom means more to her than anything!
Yes I know, Dear Whoever you might be that I live with my parents but I can’t rely on them all the time to watch the kids. It’s frustrating! They have a life too and need to be able to enjoy their time alone.
And I want to go out! I want to go to a movie, the symphony, watch a Fathom Event’s New York MET Live Performance of one of their opera’s that they simulcast with movie theatres around the country, or even just walk around a museum without feeling rushed or saying “For the love of Pete will you stop touching everything, please use your inside voice, or my favorite STOP RUNNING!”. Waiting until I am 38/39 when my kids have graduated high school to start dating again is not what I want. And if someone tells me one more time that “Oh you just need to be content with your life, it’s what G-d gave you, or that’s just life you are going to have to wait until then.” I may scream!
Makeup can't hide how I feel inside
Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution
Sometimes I have good days and it's good to be me
Sometimes I get the best of insecurity
And it's quite alright to be the one and only
But today I feel like the one and lonely
(One and Lonely by Superchicks)
Thanks for letting me vent to you my love. Don’t get me wrong I don’t feel like this all the time. Someday's are just much, much harder to get through than others. I pray for you everyday. Even if you aren’t there and I never do get married again, the possibility of their being a someone (yeah now I have the whole “Goodnight my someone” song from The Music Man (the good version with Robert Preston and Shirley Jones) in my head) makes me smile. I hope you are plugged into a community, that you have Godly Men in your life. I know how hard it is when you are cut off from that.
Out of everything though, our kids (yes they maybe mine but maybe someday they will be ours) are amazing. They make me laugh everyday and they have had to deal with so much in their young lives. Tarzan is struggling in school but his teacher is amazing and working with me to help him. Jane, well she’s is struggling with friends. Her friends are growing up way to fast and I’m not letting her watch, listen, dress, etc. the way they do so she “isn’t fun or cool” to play with. But despite all that they know where they want to go to college and are working hard to get there. They still let me curl up on their beds with them to read. it’s my favorite part of the day.
I miss you and I love you!
Always,
Waiting Patiently (more so someday’s than other’s),
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
I heard them calling in the distance
So I packed my things and ran
Far away from all the trouble
I had caused with my two hands
Alone we travelled on
With nothing but a shadow
We fled, far away
Hold your horses now
(Sleep until the sun goes down)
Through the woods we ran
(Deep into the mountain sound)
Hold your horses now
(Sleep until the sun goes down)
Through the woods we ran
Let’s run away to the mountain's with some friends, all the kids, and go camping. Throw a tent, some sleeping bags, some clothes, and a stove in the back of a car and go. Hiking, camping, waking up outside…sigh… take me away…
Missing you terribly.
I love you!
Always,
Waiting patiently
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
Below is a story that I took from a friend of mine’s Facebook page. I’m a mom of a premature child so this is very near and dear to my heart as you will come to realize. Becoming more involved with March of Dimes and their work in Texas is very important to me. I love them. Without them Tarzan wouldn’t be here.
How Preemie Moms Are Chosen
by Erma Bombeck
...Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
Always,
Waiting Patiently
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
I love this quote...its one of my favorites..
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
Dr. Seuss
Always,
Waiting Patiently
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
How is your week my love? I know its something I say all the time but I am tired. I am having to force myself to smile everyday right now. My friends text me and tell me to have a good day and my standard response is “Always 
I feel like I am drowning right now. I know its just a season that I am going through but oh my do I feel like I have the weight of the world on me. I have actually begun to gain weight again which I hate. I have exactly $.15 in my bank account right now. $.15 and I don’t know when I am going to get any money anytime soon.
People don’t understand how hard it is for me right now. I am looking everyday for a job. I spend 4-5 hours a DAY looking and applying. For everything from being a waitress to working retail again. Time and time again I don’t get a response. Not being bilingual is killing me here. I don’t have a degree in anything 
I am hurting and don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes the thought of leaving and letting my parents raise the kids because I obviously from a financial stand point cant anymore. The fact that this thought is coming over me more and more lately scares me. I love them so much and I feel like a failure more and more.
Pray for me hard love.
Always,
Waiting patiently
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
I miss you my love. Our son will be starting the 5th grade this year. Wow! Time really does fly…I think I may cry..(yes I made a rhyme…lol). Our son is growing up and some days I feel like I am loosing control. I don’t know sometimes how to parent him anymore. He’s growing up and needs a dad. I am so blessed to have men step up and do things with him but he still needs a dad.
His little heart hurts so much sometimes because he doesn’t have one. And I probably dwell on the fact that he and his sister don’t have a dad in their life than I should but you hear so many statistics on how influential a father is on his child’s life growing up and it makes my heart break.
There are just so many things I cant do with or explain to Tarzan because I am a woman. Sigh…
I know that our Father is the Father to the Fatherless and I need to work on my ability to trust him that the will both be okay, but I admit it I doubt. There is just so much stuff out there that I can’t protect him from and things he wont want to talk to me about as he grows older. Things his b-dad is a part of that I want to shield him from.
I’m scared. Being a parent is a scary thing. Being a single mom is even harder. It requires giving up control and trusting. Not something that is easy for me some days.
Pray for me my love.
Always,
Waiting Patiently
Dear Whoever You Maybe,
I am trying. I am trying not to miss you but I do. I started discipleship last week. So far its been good. I really enjoy D. I know this will be good for me and for us.
I’m really having a hard time with the kids lately. My work hours aren’t normal and..sigh I don’t know..my father just doesn’t understand sometimes. I do a lot of work at home on the computer and a lot on my phone by text. Marketing etc.. its done on the computer and I can answer emails for work at home. Right now that is great for the summer with the kids but still time passes and I'm trying to work, take care of kids, and clean the house 24-7.
I love my job but I am honestly thinking of something that is more 9-5 or so. I can do the credit on the side but love I don’t know anymore. I just want peace and a non chaotic life for once.
I want to go back to school. I want to be able to go buy clothes for myself and not feel guilty. I want to live and not just survive. I hate being in survival mode. There is just so much I want to do and be able to provide for the kids and I cant. Sometimes…sometimes I wonder if some of this isn't a consequence of my actions while I was married.
I wish you were here to go on a walk with or a run with. Making time, saying no, just being still…sigh…a list of things I need to work on.
Do you ever wonder if we have already met? Do you wonder where I am? Do you pray for me, our future kids?
Our kids asked about you today. They asked if I would ever date again, what I would look for in a new husband, do I think you will like them? They are so sweet and adorable dear. I really cant wait for you to meet them. They are so loved by everyone at Logos. WE are so loved by everyone at Logos.
Are you plugged in this week? Are you in community right now? I wish I knew what you are going through right now and how to pray for you. I pray you are plugged in my love with strong Christ following men. If not I hope you know I am praying for you (& so are our kids) and loving you from afar.
Always,
Waiting Patiently
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
Today’s sermon rocked me. We are back in Proverbs and we were in chapter 7 today. Solomon was talking to his sons telling him a story about an adulteress and how hew ways lead to death.
Death….how many of my ways have been leading to death? Pastor Tom said last week that sexual sins are like ripples in the water after you throw a rock. The effect everyone and everything. Your past, present and future relationships. All the sermons and blogs lately I have read have been talking about sex because of the move Magic Mike and the books 50 Shades of Gray.
I absolutely will not read those books. A man consumed with sex, controlling, bondage, “toys”, “playroom”.… Why would I want to read books about that when I lived that? Just the thought makes me ill.
Anyway off my soapbox dear.
Many tears have been shed this week over many things. Friend’s leaving, plans changing, family hurts….sigh I wish you were around.
I missed going to my study on Tuesday. I am enjoying it so much.
Love I pray you are plugging into a community so very much. Our kids really need a man around. And if I haven’t said it yet, yes love there is a difference between a man and a guy. I married a guy once..I need and pray for a man.
We are waiting to hear about Tarzan’s EEG results this week. I miss my sleep. I woke up this morning and though I missed some of the mascara I was wearing yesterday when I looked in the mirror. Nope it wasn’t mascara I’m just that tired!
I came across a new group this week. They are called billy. I love, love, love their songs. Digging Your Heels In, the first song on their EP billy by billy and the song Locked and Loaded get to me. I really don’t want to deal with the wreckage in my past sometimes. Sigh…
I miss you my love.
Always,
Waiting Patiently….(trying…G-d is working on me…)
Dear Whoever You Maybe,
I needed this reminder. Please be the man who will teach our kids the way of Jesus.
I pray you are plugging into a strong community and are surrounded by males that are encouraging you, disciplining you, and helping to shape you into the Godly man I know you are.
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with loneliness for you and your encouraging Godly presence in not only my life but our children’s (its just easier to think of my kids as ours my love) lives as well.
Missing you my love,
Waiting Patiently…(trying….)
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
So we (the munchkins and I) had to head to SL/H-town for T’s neurology sleep study results appointment. On the way here to SL/H-town I turned to radio to the area Christian radio station to see what music they were playing at the time. They weren't playing music but talking about men. The first program they were interviewing the author of the book “How to date your wife” (I forget his first name) Buzzard. Dating your Wife….sigh..there is so much more to it than just a date night once a week, or twice a month. Dating your wife is….is…oh just go buy the book my love.
The second program that fit so well with the first was a sermon by Matt Chandler out of The Village Church in Dallas. Again it was about men leading their wives, becoming leaders of their homes like G-d intended. It made me cry..
I pray every day, some times with many tears that you will be that man. My soul aches for that. I need you to be the spiritual leader of our home my love. I need you to raise up my son and any other sons we may have to be strong spiritual leaders for their wives. I need a man that my daughter and any other daughters we have look up to and say “I want a man like that for my husband.” I don’t want them to follow in my mistake's.
I am struggling so much with being patient and waiting for you. I am 30 my love…I want to be married again and have more kids. I think out of everything this is the one thing I am struggling with so much. But you know I think part of that is because I am having such a hard time submitting to G-d’s authority.
Ouch….looks like I have some thinking to do my love.
Love,
Waiting Patiently…okay I’m trying and struggling really hard with it
Dear Whoever You Might Be,
I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about you, missing you, wondering if we have even met yet… but I’m starting to realize that all that time I have spent missing you and crying about “How come I am not dating? What is wrong with me? Why is everyone else in my life dating and moving on but me?” hasn’t been good for me at all.
I am looking to date the wrong person right now. I should be having Jesus dates. I need to be working on these things right now. Maybe by working on these, especially #8 Guard your Heart and #1 Repeat After Me, You Are Loved will help me when I have days, weeks, or months like I have been having.
Maybe making sure that the rest of my life is less chaotic and balanced before I start dating is what I need to do.
I still miss you…pray for me my love.
Always,
Waiting Patiently
Dear whoever you might be,
This song by The Civil Wars is what really made me start thinking about you. Wondering where you are. Are you thinking and wondering about me? The lyrics are below my dear.
"To Whom It May Concern"
Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
How I do
I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently
Love,
Waiting Patiently
Dear Whoever You Maybe,
I hope you are praying for me this week. I am so overwhelmed with loneliness and single parenthood in general right now. This week is going to be so rough for all of us. Probably more so on me than on the kids.
I feel my world is shrinking again and oh my goodness is that rough on me. I am fighting to not let it happen but I feel like I am failing. I feel like a failure so much right now.
I really need some encouragement. A hug, a kiss…something. A touch from someone who doesn’t call me Mom.
J keeps saying G-d is doing this to draw me closer but I feel farther and farther away.
All I want to do is cry.
Love,
Waiting Patiently
Dear Whoever You May Be,
Where are you ? I miss you. I wish you were with me right now. I miss going out. I love my kids but momma is going stir crazy.
Miss you terribly.
Love,
Waiting Patiently
Dear Whoever You Maybe,
I wished you were around this week if for nothing else to let me vent and cry to you and tell me everything will be okay. It’s been a long hard few days for the kids and I. Probably more for me than anyone else. For so long it felt as if my life was finally in a semi-regular routine. The chaos and drama were gone but now it seems to be back. J my “sister from another Father” said “It’s times like these that our Dad is using to draw us closer to Him.” but DWYMB I don’t feel like that right now. I feel farther away than I have in a long time. Sigh I wish you were here.
I don’t want to go to H-town 2 weekends in a row either. I want to not have to deal with ex’s, drama, chaos, etc.. I want to avoid it at all cost but I know I can’t. Just as much as I wish I didn’t have to deal with Sunday’s sermon in my life I know I do. It unfortunately will always be a part of my life. That scar will always be there. But because of that I know what to look for and what to do. That is one hurt that you will have to be the most delicate with because it has taken the longest to heal.
I pray for you every night on this topic….
I wish you were here.
I miss you…
Always…
Waiting Patiently
Dear whoever you might be,
It’s another crazy week around here for me this week. The kids it seems like have to be in a million places but they really don’t but it just seems like it. I feel so overwhelmed trying to manage cleaning, homework, meals, laundry, work, church, and quiet time for myself..
I try not to miss you when I have weeks or days like this but lets face it..I will and I do. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have someone else help shuffle kids around town, help with the laundry..(at least just fold it and put it away for me…please??), homework, etc..
Sigh….I’m trying to be happy to day and enjoy the time I have with my monkey’s (yes I call them monkey’s). Especially when Tarzan notice’s the top of his head is to the top of my shoulder when I am barefooted. Ack! When did my teeny-tiny baby get to be so big?
Trying not to miss you horribly much, but failing badly today..
Love,
Waiting patiently
