Prematurity…

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

Below is a story that I took from a friend of mine’s Facebook page.  I’m a mom of a premature child so this is very near and dear to my heart as you will come to realize.  Becoming more involved with March of Dimes and their work in Texas is very important to me.  I love them.  Without them Tarzan wouldn’t be here.

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen

by Erma Bombeck

...Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

 

Always,

Waiting Patiently

Weirdness…

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

I love this quote...its one of my favorites..

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
Dr. Seuss

Always,

Waiting Patiently

Drowning

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

How is your week my love?  I know its something I say all the time but I am tired.  I am having to force myself to smile everyday right now.  My friends text me and tell me to have a good day and my standard response is “Always ".  Sigh…  its not just physically tired, but mentally and emotionally too. 

I feel like I am drowning right now.  I know its just a season that I am going through but oh my do I feel like I have the weight of the world on me.  I have actually begun to gain weight again which I hate.  I have exactly $.15 in my bank account right now.  $.15 and I don’t know when I am going to get any money anytime soon.

People don’t understand how hard it is for me right now.  I am looking everyday for a job.  I spend 4-5 hours a DAY looking and applying.  For everything from being a waitress  to working retail again.  Time and time again I don’t get a response.  Not being bilingual is killing me here.  I don’t have a degree in anything .

I am hurting and don’t know what to do anymore.  Sometimes the thought of leaving and letting my parents raise the kids because I obviously from a financial stand point cant anymore. The fact that this thought is coming over me more and more lately scares me.  I love them so much and I feel like a failure more and more.

Pray for me hard love.

Always,

Waiting patiently

Our son…

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

I miss you my love.  Our son will be starting the 5th grade this year.  Wow!  Time really does fly…I think I may cry..(yes I made a rhyme…lol).  Our son is growing up and some days I feel like I am loosing control.  I don’t know sometimes how to parent him anymore.  He’s growing up and needs a dad.  I am so blessed to have men step up and do things with him but he still needs a dad.

His little heart hurts so much sometimes because he doesn’t have one.  And I probably dwell on the fact that he and his sister don’t have a dad in their life than I should but you hear so many statistics on how influential a father is on his child’s life growing up and it makes my heart break.

There are just so many things I cant do with or explain to Tarzan because I am a woman.  Sigh…

I know that our Father is the Father to the Fatherless and I need to work on my ability to trust him that the will both be okay, but I admit it I doubt.  There is just so much stuff out there that I can’t protect him from and things he wont want to talk to me about as he grows older.  Things his b-dad is a part of that I want to shield him from.

I’m scared.  Being a parent is a scary thing.  Being a single mom is even harder.  It requires giving up control and trusting. Not something that is easy for me some days.

Pray for me my love.

 

Always,

Waiting Patiently 

Hey you....

Dear Whoever You May Be,

Guess what?


I miss your face!  Love you!


Always,
Waiting Patiently

I’m trying….

Dear Whoever You Maybe,

I am trying.  I am trying not to miss you but I do.  I started discipleship last week.  So far its been good.  I really enjoy D.  I know this will be good for me and for us. 

I’m really having a hard time with the kids lately.  My work hours aren’t normal and..sigh I don’t know..my father just doesn’t understand sometimes.   I do a lot of work at home on the computer and a lot on my phone by text.  Marketing etc.. its done on the computer and I can answer emails for work at home.  Right now that is great for the summer with the kids but still time passes and I'm trying to work, take care of kids, and clean the house 24-7.

I love my job but I am honestly thinking of something that is more 9-5 or so.  I can do the credit on the side but love I don’t know anymore.  I just want peace and a non chaotic life for once.

I want to go back to school.  I want to be able to go buy clothes for myself and not feel guilty.  I want to live and not just survive.  I hate being in survival mode.  There is just so much I want to do and be able to provide for the kids and I cant.  Sometimes…sometimes I wonder if some of this isn't a consequence of my actions while I was married. 

I wish you were here to go on a walk with or a run with.  Making time, saying no, just being still…sigh…a list of things I need to work on.

Do you ever wonder if we have already met?  Do you wonder where I am? Do you pray for me, our future kids?

Our kids asked about you today.  They asked if I would ever date again, what I would look for in a new husband, do I think you will like them?  They are so sweet and adorable dear.  I really cant wait for you to meet them.  They are so loved by everyone at Logos.  WE are so loved by everyone at Logos. 

Are you plugged in this week?  Are you in community right now?  I wish I knew what you are going through right now and how to pray for you.   I pray you are plugged in my love with strong Christ following men.  If not I hope you know I am praying for you (& so are our kids) and loving you from afar.

Always,

Waiting Patiently

tears…

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

Today’s sermon rocked me.  We are back in Proverbs and we were in chapter 7 today.  Solomon was talking to his sons telling him a story about an adulteress and how hew ways lead to death.

Death….how many of my ways have been leading to death?  Pastor Tom said last week that sexual sins are like ripples in the water after you throw a rock.  The effect everyone and everything.  Your past, present and future relationships.  All the sermons and blogs lately I have read have been talking about sex because of the move Magic Mike and the books 50 Shades of Gray.

I absolutely will not read those books.  A man consumed with sex, controlling, bondage, “toys”, “playroom”.… Why would I want to read books about that when I lived that? Just the thought makes me ill.

Anyway off my soapbox dear.

Many tears have been shed this week over many things.  Friend’s leaving, plans changing, family hurts….sigh I wish you were around.

I missed going to my study on Tuesday.  I am enjoying it so much. 

Love I pray you are plugging into a community so very much.  Our kids really need a man around.  And if I haven’t said it yet, yes love there is a difference between a man and a guy.  I married a guy once..I need and pray for a man.

We are waiting to hear about Tarzan’s EEG results this week.  I miss my sleep.  I woke up this morning and though I missed some of the mascara I was wearing yesterday when I looked in the mirror.  Nope it wasn’t mascara I’m just that tired!

I came across a new group this week.  They are called billy.  I love, love, love their songs.  Digging Your Heels In, the first song on their EP billy by billy and the song Locked and Loaded get to me.  I really don’t want to deal with the wreckage in my past sometimes.  Sigh…

I miss you my love.

Always,

Waiting Patiently….(trying…G-d is working on me…)