Moments like this....

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

I sit here at lunch by myself and I have so many emotions running through me right now. A touch of sadness because I am here alone, relief because I am here alone (our kids started back to school today!), nervous because I feel something new will be happening soon and what that maybe I don't know but I feel the excitement. I also think G-d has given me the okay that I may have other children. That thought scares me but that means then that you are out there. Or maybe it means I won't have children the way I want but I will "adopt" others as my own. Who knows? Just know that I love you and I miss you. Our son has a neurology appointment next week. I pray it all goes well.

Always,
Waiting Patiently

Happy New Year

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

Happy new year my love!  2012 has been a crazy, hard fought, wonderful year for me.  I pray your new year's eve is filled with love, joy, laughter, and friendship.  Be careful!

I pray that 2013 is filled with much joy and who knows maybe we will meet one another, if we already haven't.  Praying for you daily!

Always,
Waiting Patiently

Autism, ADHD, Meltdowns, Life....

My Dear Whoever You Might Be,

Wow has life changed for me so fast these past few weeks.  The kids and I are going to different churches, a marriage between friends has dissolved, I have ran my 1st of hopefully many 5k's with our daughter, started taking kickboxing 2-3x's a week along with bootcamp 1x a week , and our beautiful son has been diagnosed as being Autistic.  Something I always new but now its officially confirmed.

I had convinced myself that I was okay with the diagnosis but I think I have just been kidding myself.  It's 11:25pm on Christmas Day 2012 and I am in bed crying because I don't know what the future holds and I am scared. 

Today was a wonderful day with family and friends and I am scared that our son may never get married.  He's so smart, funny, sweet, and loving.  Will girls understand that and date him? Will he get married, be able to have kids and the chaos that sometimes comes? 

And then there is the total and overwhelming lonliness that I am fighting at the moment for you.  Wondering if you will be able to take all that this means.  Can you handle the meltdowns, the juggling that comes from having a special needs child?  The worries that you aren't making enough time for our daughter.  Am I failing her? Am I failing him?

Not only is our son 10 going on 11 soon, but he has ADHD-combined type as well.  On top of being diagnosed so late in his childhood too.  Wondering if he will be okay, what his future holds, crying myself to sleep wishing I could take this all away from him.  Crying out to G-d "Why Me?  Why did you choose me to take care of a special needs child for you?  I don't think I can do this anymore."

I wish I could go back and rewind the clock sometimes.  The days that the "what if's" take a hold.  The ones where I look around and see that I am a almost "31 yr old single mom, with 2 kids, working a little over 35 hours a week (that has gotta change soon!), getting assistance for her kids, living with her parents."  No degree, no home of her own, and no dating prospects on the horizon at all.

I miss you.

Waiting Patiently

Sunday

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

It's Sunday morning and I have just left the 9am service.  However I am still at church.  The kids are doing a fall festival type thingie during the 11am service. 

I wished you were here with me this morning.  Ive realized over the past few days I don't long for you as badly as I have been in the past.  I'm trying to be okay with the fact that a)we may never meet or b)when we do it maybe after our kids have graduated from high school.

I still pray for you.  The holidays maybe rough with missing you but I will get through.  If anything I've learned over the past few months is that I can survive almost anything.

I love you and miss you terribly.

Always,
Waiting Patiently 

Rough Season

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

I do miss you.  My heart has been so heavy lately.  I cant explain to you the hurt that I have been though lately.  Somedays its just been so overwhelming.  Thankfully my core group of friends, no not friends they are my family, have been there for me.  They haven't seen the tears that I have shed lately but they know I have.  Its been written on my face.

I wonder about you a lot through out my day. From thinking about how you are feeling, have you been sick lately?  To thinking about your friendships, are they growing and deepening? To lastly wondering about what G-d is teaching you right now.

Sometimes I wonder if you have kids.  Do you have a house full of rough and tumble boys, a mixture of boys and girls, or are you drowning in a sea of pink?  No matter if you do or don’t have kids I already love them.

Someday we will get it right.  Until then know that I am thinking about you.

I love you!

 

Always,

Waiting Patiently

Lonely…

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

Loneliness…man am I fighting that right now.  I love my friends but in so many, many ways my life is so very different than theirs.  My kids are older than theirs, I am older than them, I have been married and been through harder things than I think some of them even know about.

I put my wedding ring on my finger on Sunday.  I cried.  I’ve been crying a lot lately.  I think I am realizing that I may never get married again or ever be pregnant again.  The whole thought of that is hard.  Like I am sitting here at work fighting back the tears hard.

People tell me “Oh your strength at being a single mom amazes me.”, “Man how do you do it?”, “How can I pray for you?”  But you know what I haven’t heard from anyone is :”How can I HELP you this week?” or “Do you want me to take the kids to the park to go play so you can go run?”  Asking how I do it or telling me how amazing I am is all well and good but seriously sometimes putting those words into action for a single Mom means more to her than anything!

Yes I know, Dear Whoever you might be that I live with my parents but I can’t rely on them all the time to watch the kids.  It’s frustrating!  They have a life too and need to be able to enjoy their time alone.

And I want to go out!  I want to go to a movie, the symphony, watch a Fathom Event’s New York MET Live Performance of one of their opera’s that they simulcast with movie theatres around the country, or even just walk around a museum without feeling rushed or saying “For the love of Pete will you stop touching everything, please use your inside voice, or my favorite STOP RUNNING!”.  Waiting until I am 38/39 when my kids have graduated high school to start dating again is not what I want. And if someone tells me one more time that  “Oh you just need to be content with your life, it’s what G-d gave you, or that’s just life you are going to have to wait until then.” I may scream!  

Makeup can't hide how I feel inside
Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution

Sometimes I have good days and it's good to be me
Sometimes I get the best of insecurity
And it's quite alright to be the one and only
But today I feel like the one and lonely

(One and Lonely by Superchicks)

Thanks for letting me vent to you my love.  Don’t get me wrong I don’t feel like this all the time.  Someday's are just much, much harder to get through than others.  I pray for you everyday.  Even if you aren’t there and I never do get married again, the possibility of their being a someone (yeah now I have the whole “Goodnight my someone” song from The Music Man (the good version with Robert Preston and Shirley Jones) in my head) makes me smile.  I hope you are plugged into a community, that you have Godly Men in your life.  I know how hard it is when you are cut off from that. 

Out of everything though, our kids (yes they maybe mine but maybe someday they will be ours) are amazing.  They make me laugh everyday and they have had to deal with so much in their young lives.  Tarzan is struggling in school but his teacher is amazing and working with me to help him.  Jane, well she’s is struggling with friends.  Her friends are growing up way to fast and I’m not letting her watch, listen, dress, etc. the way they do so she “isn’t fun or cool” to play with.  But despite all that they know where they want to go to college and are working hard to get there.  They still let me curl up on their beds with them to read.  it’s my favorite part of the day.

I miss you and I love you!

Always,

Waiting Patiently (more so someday’s than other’s),

Let’s run away….

Dear Whoever You Might Be,

I heard them calling in the distance
So I packed my things and ran
Far away from all the trouble
I had caused with my two hands
Alone we travelled on
With nothing but a shadow
We fled, far away

Hold your horses now
(Sleep until the sun goes down)
Through the woods we ran
(Deep into the mountain sound)
Hold your horses now
(Sleep until the sun goes down)
Through the woods we ran

Let’s run away to the mountain's with some friends, all the kids, and go camping.  Throw a tent, some sleeping bags, some clothes, and a stove in the back of a car and go.  Hiking, camping, waking up outside…sigh… take me away…

Missing you terribly. 

I love you!

Always,

Waiting patiently