My Dear Whoever You Might Be,
Wow has life changed for me so fast these past few weeks. The kids and I are going to different churches, a marriage between friends has dissolved, I have ran my 1st of hopefully many 5k's with our daughter, started taking kickboxing 2-3x's a week along with bootcamp 1x a week , and our beautiful son has been diagnosed as being Autistic. Something I always new but now its officially confirmed.
I had convinced myself that I was okay with the diagnosis but I think I have just been kidding myself. It's 11:25pm on Christmas Day 2012 and I am in bed crying because I don't know what the future holds and I am scared.
Today was a wonderful day with family and friends and I am scared that our son may never get married. He's so smart, funny, sweet, and loving. Will girls understand that and date him? Will he get married, be able to have kids and the chaos that sometimes comes?
And then there is the total and overwhelming lonliness that I am fighting at the moment for you. Wondering if you will be able to take all that this means. Can you handle the meltdowns, the juggling that comes from having a special needs child? The worries that you aren't making enough time for our daughter. Am I failing her? Am I failing him?
Not only is our son 10 going on 11 soon, but he has ADHD-combined type as well. On top of being diagnosed so late in his childhood too. Wondering if he will be okay, what his future holds, crying myself to sleep wishing I could take this all away from him. Crying out to G-d "Why Me? Why did you choose me to take care of a special needs child for you? I don't think I can do this anymore."
I wish I could go back and rewind the clock sometimes. The days that the "what if's" take a hold. The ones where I look around and see that I am a almost "31 yr old single mom, with 2 kids, working a little over 35 hours a week (that has gotta change soon!), getting assistance for her kids, living with her parents." No degree, no home of her own, and no dating prospects on the horizon at all.
I miss you.
Waiting Patiently
