Dear Whoever You Might Be,
Loneliness…man am I fighting that right now. I love my friends but in so many, many ways my life is so very different than theirs. My kids are older than theirs, I am older than them, I have been married and been through harder things than I think some of them even know about.
I put my wedding ring on my finger on Sunday. I cried. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I think I am realizing that I may never get married again or ever be pregnant again. The whole thought of that is hard. Like I am sitting here at work fighting back the tears hard.
People tell me “Oh your strength at being a single mom amazes me.”, “Man how do you do it?”, “How can I pray for you?” But you know what I haven’t heard from anyone is :”How can I HELP you this week?” or “Do you want me to take the kids to the park to go play so you can go run?” Asking how I do it or telling me how amazing I am is all well and good but seriously sometimes putting those words into action for a single Mom means more to her than anything!
Yes I know, Dear Whoever you might be that I live with my parents but I can’t rely on them all the time to watch the kids. It’s frustrating! They have a life too and need to be able to enjoy their time alone.
And I want to go out! I want to go to a movie, the symphony, watch a Fathom Event’s New York MET Live Performance of one of their opera’s that they simulcast with movie theatres around the country, or even just walk around a museum without feeling rushed or saying “For the love of Pete will you stop touching everything, please use your inside voice, or my favorite STOP RUNNING!”. Waiting until I am 38/39 when my kids have graduated high school to start dating again is not what I want. And if someone tells me one more time that “Oh you just need to be content with your life, it’s what G-d gave you, or that’s just life you are going to have to wait until then.” I may scream!
Makeup can't hide how I feel inside
Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution
Sometimes I have good days and it's good to be me
Sometimes I get the best of insecurity
And it's quite alright to be the one and only
But today I feel like the one and lonely
(One and Lonely by Superchicks)
Thanks for letting me vent to you my love. Don’t get me wrong I don’t feel like this all the time. Someday's are just much, much harder to get through than others. I pray for you everyday. Even if you aren’t there and I never do get married again, the possibility of their being a someone (yeah now I have the whole “Goodnight my someone” song from The Music Man (the good version with Robert Preston and Shirley Jones) in my head) makes me smile. I hope you are plugged into a community, that you have Godly Men in your life. I know how hard it is when you are cut off from that.
Out of everything though, our kids (yes they maybe mine but maybe someday they will be ours) are amazing. They make me laugh everyday and they have had to deal with so much in their young lives. Tarzan is struggling in school but his teacher is amazing and working with me to help him. Jane, well she’s is struggling with friends. Her friends are growing up way to fast and I’m not letting her watch, listen, dress, etc. the way they do so she “isn’t fun or cool” to play with. But despite all that they know where they want to go to college and are working hard to get there. They still let me curl up on their beds with them to read. it’s my favorite part of the day.
I miss you and I love you!
Always,
Waiting Patiently (more so someday’s than other’s),
